Questions

Skyler got to go to his new school to meet the Kindergarten teachers and register for school today. We chose to walk and on the way home he had quite the question for me.

Sky: Mom, why don't you want to be a boy?
Me: Why don't I want to be a boy? Because Heavenly Father made me a girl.
Sky: Oh, by why didn't he make you a boy?
Me: Because he wanted me to be a girl.
Sky: But why don't you want to be a boy?
Me: Because Heavenly Father made me a girl and I'm happy with that.
Sky: Oh, well I'm happyI'm a boy. It sounds easier to make.
Me: You think it's easier to make a boy then a girl?
Sky: Yes, I think so.

I just love talking with this kid! I wish I understood his thoughts a little better to know where this stuff comes from sometimes.

Volcano

A couple weeks ago, while Skyler was playing on the computer, Josh thought he'd have a chance to pick a movie he wanted to watch on Netflix. I joked with him that Sky would come over as soon as he heard it, but Josh thought he was too busy on the computer. So Josh gets looking through his options and decides to watch "Volcano". I had never heard of it so I asked him if it was going to be an ok movie for Skyler to watch when he ditched the computer. Josh's opinion was since Sky can handle "Transformers" he should be fine with this one. I decided to trust his judgement since he knew the movie and I didn't. As I knew would happen it only took Skyler maybe 5 minutes before he was going back and forth between the movie and the computer. After about 15 minutes of that we told him he had to make a choice and only do one. He chose to watch the movie and sat down on the couch next to me. For those who haven't seen the movie, it doesn't take long before the natural disasters begin and things get destroyed. There are earthquakes, and fast moving lava from the volcano that has been just chilling underneath the city. It doesn't show any deaths of people or anything, just the ground opening up and buildings falling. People running around scared, things on fire. When Skyler likes a movie he will sit very still and he zones in. So it took me and Josh a little too long to realize he wasn't being so still because he was enjoying the movie. In fact we noticed about the same time that he was scooting closer to me and starting to turn away from the TV. Josh asked him if he was ok, and at that point Sky was almost in tears. I pulled him into my lap and told Josh to stop the movie. It took a few minutes to get Sky to talk, and even then he didn't say much. But it was obvious the movie had scared him pretty good. So we told him it was just a movie and pretend and not to worry. We let him pick a kid movie to watch and got him in a better mood so he could go to bed. Skyler never said anything more about the movie or being scared that night. Well, in the weeks since, Skyler has randomly brought up earthquakes. Out of nowhere he'll ask a question about them. Or he'll tell you a theory he has about them. He'll repeat things to make sure he understands what I've told him. One night at bedtime, I don't remember how the conversation got started, but I ended up telling him what we'd do if there was an earthquake. He thought we would run outside like the people in the movie did. I explained we'd probably stand in one of the bedroom doorways. So he asks how we would get away from the lava if we are inside. I had not realized he thought earthquakes and lava came together. So then I had to explain the different situations of the two. Skyler has been very curious, but never has he seemed scared when we are talking about it. Until this Monday afternoon. My parents have a car parked in their driveway that we are thinking about fixing up to drive. So Skyler and I run outside so I can get some info for pricing parts. Skyler was so excited to get to climb in the dark red car. I open the glove box and notice that some sort of liquid has leake just a little into it. I tell Sky about it as i'm trying to wipe it up. With in minutes, he has decided he wants out of the car and it pushing me out and closing the door. He wouldn't tell me why until we were inside. He told me he thought whatever was leaking could hurt us so he didn't want to be by it since he didn't know what it was. I explain to him it wasn't anyting bad that could hurt us. But he kept snuggling into me and I could tell me reasoning wasn't helping. It took another couple minutes before he would talk to me again. This time he started relating the liquid to earthquakes somehow. And he starts stressing about big buildings falling down on houses and parks and wanting to know what we would do then. This little boy is so my child. These are the dumb sort of things I loose sleep over at night. And now my little boy is starting to do it at 4 1/2. All I could think of to do at this point was to tell Sky when he feels this scared or worried he should pray to Heavenly Father and ask for help to not be scared. His response, what's if the earthquake is too loud and He can't hear me? How sad!!! I could not convince him that it would never be too loud for a prayer to be heard. I even suggested singing a primary song. But he says he won't be able to think of any. We finally resolved some of his problems by making sure he knew he can always come to me, even during the night and I would pray or sing with him. But seriously! He's 4 and that dumb movie has him so scared! I think Josh has learned his lesson to be careful what he watches. And I have learned my lesson to really put my foot down about movies when I don't think they will be ok. Now we just hope Sky will get over this soon and not loose sleep over his worries.

Sunday Snow!

This morning we woke up to big fluffy looking snow flakes falling. Sage sat on the couch watching them falling, pointing at them and telling me "Oh!" Skyler woke up and saw the snow and had a slightly different reaction. He ran around the house finding cars and telling me he needed Dad to wake up because they were going to go outside and drive cars in the snow. We informed Dad of the plan, and at first he wasn't convinced. But the boys and I still wanted to go out, so we bundled up and headed out. It only took Josh a few minutes to join us. It was a fun way to start out our Sunday. Driving cars in the snow, throwing snow balls at each other, and picking up Sage when he'd fall over and couldn't get himself up. And Skyler and Sage thought the snow tasted delicious!

My little Sager

After my last depressing post about Sage, I really should have done better at updating how his Primary visits have been. But with these two crazy boys, work, and taking care of my house it's easy to not find the time.
Only a few days after that appointment at Primary's in November, I had to take Sage to his Dr for a nasty diaper rash. She asked how his weight was and I told her about what they had said about the scope and feeding tube. She asked why they never suggested probiotics to help with the runny poopy diapers. So we went home that day with cream for his rash and probiotics to add to meals to see if it would help. We also started ordering the Soy Bright Beginnings (a high calorie soy drink) on line, and his appetite stimulant.
Sage loved the new drink (it was vanilla flavored) and after a few days of taking the probiotics there was a definite good change in his bm's. We continued to add calories any way we could to low calorie meals, and just offering him high calorie snacks.
When Sage went to his 15 month and Nutrition appointments in December there showed a gain of a whole pound!!! To some this may not seem so fabulous. But when you've only seen gains of a few ounces in a months time, a whole pound seems like a miracle. The talk of a scope and feeding tube immediately was thrown out. He's still 0% for his weight, but he had proven he could gain weight. The dietitian said to just keep doing what we're doing and to come back in a month. We did leave Primary's with a prescription for antibiotics for a sinus infection.
After ten days of antibiotics Sage's nose was cleared, and his poor appetite from being sick seemed to be getting better. But within a couple days his nose was super stuffy with green snot so back to his Dr we went. She put him on another antibiotic, and Sky was put on one too for another sinus infection. His appetite remind poor and I was stressing pretty bad because he wasn't eating, and was starting to not want his drinks either. We finish that ten day course of antibiotics and Sage showed a little more interest in food again. But again that nasty green snot came back! Sage's Dr was booked that day, but she was the one working Kids Care that night, so we went to visit her there. Sage was put on a 5 day antibiotic that time. His weight that night was 17lbs 11oz and we had 1 1/2 weeks before going back to the Nutrition clinic. I had such high hopes of having him over 18lbs by then.
The day of his appointment came and we drove to Salt Lake feeling confident that we'd hear good news about his weight. We check in, get called back and Sage undressed, and get him weighed. For the second time at this scale in the few months we've been going I felt my heart drop. 17lbs 4oz. I walked back to our room and waited for the Dr, just wondering now what we'd do. I've tried so hard, and some meals end with me close to, or in tears because he won't eat and I'm letting it get to me. But then Dr. Jackson came in. And he told me the last thing I thought I'd hear. That Sage is still doing well. His weight gain was a good one. I mention the weight at Kids Care, and the 3 rounds of antibiotics, and Sage's barely eating and drinking. I tell him about taking the bottle away because the Dr I'd seen last month (I'm always supposed to see Jackson, but for some reason twice now I've seen a different Dr who isn't as understanding) and the dietitian not being thrilled that he was still having a bottle at his age. Dr. Jackson soothed all my worries. He reminded me that scales are calibrated differently, so his weight will be different at the different offices. He also reminded me that with his stuffy nose his sense of taste is off, which would be why he's not wanting to eat. And he told me that I am Sage's mom. And I know what is best for him. And if I think he'll do better with the bottle, then it doesn't matter how old he is. If' he'll get his needed calories through a bottle, I couldn't let anyone make me feel bad for still giving him one. And he told me that they would not judge Sage for his small gain this month because he had proven when he is healthy, and feeling well that he can gain weight. And he said we could come back in 2 months instead of 1! Next the dietitian came in to visit us. She said to continue feeding him as we have been. And suggested some drinks that have the high calorie content we need that can be bought from the store instead of on line, if it would be cheaper that way
Sage's nose is still runny, but not as bad and his appetite is coming back. We price compared and it's about the same whether we order drinks on line or buy from the store. We've decided to buy the ones at the stores, it's much more convenient and there are more flavor options which has been good for Sage. He was getting tired of Vanilla.
I never in my life could have imagined that most of my stress of being a mom right now would be because of the weight of my baby. I always knew I'd have a hard time with temper tantrums, setting rules, teaching my kids, and getting them to eat better then I do (i'm too picky). This has been a hard test for me. And I'm so grateful to our family who help care for Sage while Josh and I work. My kids have wonderful grandparents and aunts and uncles who help us. And Sage will usually eat better for them. And I am so grateful for wonderful friends who are in tune with the Spirit and followed their promptings to pray for and fast for Sage to gain weight. We are surrounded by the most amazing family and friends, and I will always love all of them and all they do for us.

A Bad Thursday

This last Thursday was not one of my favorite days in my life, and by the end of the night I just wished it would not have happened or that it could have happened differently.
The first part of my day was fine. Work went well. Then it came time to take Sage to Primary's for his appointment with his Nutritionist. Shari so willingly offered to watch Skyler so he wouldn't have to sit through the possible two hour appointment and I was so thankful thinking that would solve all my stress for the day. It didn't quite do what I had hoped for my day, but as I left the hospital and was crying all the way to the truck I sure was glad he wasn't there for it. But this needs a little more explaining.
This was Sage's second visit to the Nutritionists at Primary Childrens. As most of you know Sage was born early and weighed 4lbs. Well, Sky had been early and small too, but caught up so we just figured Sage would too. But he hasn't. He gains weight each month but just not enough. He was 15lbs when he turned one and his pediatrician said we couldn't put off looking into why he wasn't growing anymore. She did blood work and set us up with Primary's. Blood work was normal, which we are thankful for. His first appointment at Primary's he weighed 15lbs 12oz. I had to answer lots of questions about why he was born so small, his eating habits, developmentally how he is doing. The team working with him all agree they see no reason as to why he's not gaining weight. So they gave me papers telling me how to pack more calories into his diet and instructions to add formula to his milk to add more calories and an appointment to come back in 4 weeks. We went home and began our quest to add fat and calories to everything. I thought we were doing good. Sage looked like he was getting bigger, he felt heavier to me. My Mom put him on her scale the week of his next appointment and it had said 16lbs so I was pretty hopeful and feeling good about going back.
After work Thursday I grabbed Sage and we headed to Salt Lake. We were called back to a room and I got him undressed to be weighed. I set him on the scale and waited to see the numbers to up. Well they did go up, just not nearly enough. Sage only weighed 15lbs 15oz. He had gained a whole 3oz in a month. My heart dropped and as I picked him up to walk back to the room I whispered to him it wasn't enough and we were in trouble. The Nutritionist and Dietitian came in next and asked what had happened. Had he been sick? Nope, he had drunk all his bottles, he had eaten good meals and snacks mostly. I thought he had gained more then that. Then they gave me the next steps that made me want to cry. They gave me more tips to try this month; different formula to try or add coconut milk to what we are already giving him to drink. Keep adding butter to everything we can. Add calories and fat everywhere we can. Don't worry about fruits, he needs the fat more. If all he wants is junk food during the Christmas season-give it to him, he needs the fat more then a healthy diet. Yet here's a list of healthy things he should be eating to get everything he needs in his diet. And lastly a prescription for an appetite stimulant. They will give him one more month to redeem himself. Then he may have to go on the same formula as my niece which is super super expensive. They may have to put a scope down his throat to see if there are any problems in his throat and tummy that are contributing to his not being able to gain weight. And the last option that had me blinking back tears was if we do all this and it doesn't work they will have to place a feeding tube. I work with people with feeding tubes. They aren't awful things by any means. But the thought of one in my little boy broke me. I left the room with my papers of suggestions and headed to the exit. The closer I got to the exit, the closer my tears were. I was sobbing by time I got to the truck. I got control of myself but lost it again when I called Josh to tell him. Then again when I had to call my Mom and arrange when to meet her for the funeral.
Here's the second part to my bad day. On Thanksgiving one of my friends that have had the blessing to work with in her home passed away. Tammy was only in her mid 40's. But she had gotten sick the week before and her body couldn't fight it this time. I met Tammy almost 8-9 years ago when she lived in a different group home. A couple years after that she was move to one of my group homes so she'd be happier. Carla and I had a blast getting to know Tammy. When she moved in we were given a list of dislikes. And we set out to find a list of likes for her. And we found quite a few and loved being with her along that journey. Then unfortunately only a couple years later we had to make some roommate changes and I no longer got to work with Tammy on a daily basis. I watched her slowly go back to the unhappy woman she had been when she moved in. Tammy is very small and didn't talk. Which makes it very easy for people to ignore her.
After I got the news that Tammy had passed, I was happy for her. Happy she no longer had her tiny stiff body holding her back. Happy she was no longer in pain and having to fight through sicknesses. And happy for her she no longer had to put up with staff coming in and out of her life, some caring for her more then others.
The funeral was sad, no family. Just past and present staff there to remember her. All wonderful people that cared for her. But for the rest of the day I couldn't help but think what a sad existence she had. I love my job. Love the people I get to work with. But it can be so easy for people to work in group homes and think the clients are just not worth their full attention. And the ones that are non verbal and use wheelchairs and can't move on their own can at times get the brunt of this attitude. And at times I feel like that was how Tammy was viewed.
I miss Tammy and hope that she doesn't look back on the times I worked with her and view me as one of those staff. I hope I gave her the love and attention she needed. I know she is happy now. How could you not be? She came to this earth and survived her test. She was our princess on Earth and I know she is Heavenly Fathers princess now.
Later that night at the end of Special Needs Mutual one of the participants Mom's was frantically searching for her daughter that she had dropped of at the beginning of the activity. I helped ask people if they had seen her then had to leave to get my clients home. As we pulled out of the church we saw the Mom and a leader running towards the care center we had visited for caroling that night; and there was an ambulance out front. Don't know the end of that story yet. I don't know if it was there for her daughter or not. All I know is as I continued driving I said a silent prayer and wished the day could start over, and end better.

Saturday Adventure

Josh and I bought our house 4 years ago. There is a pine tree in the backyard right outside our bedroom window. For the last 4 years we have talked about cutting that tree down. Every wind storm we lay awake listening to it moving in the wind and worrying about it falling on our house. Well, earlier this week Josh decided it was getting done this weekend. So Thursday I called to reserve a chain saw that could handle the job. After helping with the ward clean up Josh got the chain saw and we got busy. We had an idea of what we were going to do, then the ladder we have was much shorter compared to the tree then we remembered. While Josh was cutting off the branches as high as he could I called my Dad (The real live Bob the Builder) to ask for a taller ladder. He let me know they are all at the house he's working on, but maybe he could bring one home tonight after work. So Josh came in the house to look up techniques for cutting down a tree. While I'm clearing out tree branches my Mom calls. I tell her Josh has found on line how to do it without a bigger ladder and that we are going to chop it down now. Within a few minutes Dad is calling me (pretty sure Mom called him :) ) He asks if Josh is really going to do it, I say yes, Dad says he's on his way. Love my Dad. So while waiting for Dad, Josh heads over to the apple tree I don't like and starts to practice cutting a wedge out on the side you want the tree to fall, then cutting it straight across behind the wedge. Both times the large branches of the apple tree went right where Josh wanted them too. So we're cleaning up that mess when Dad arrived. We discuss the plan, then Josh goes up the ladder with a rope. He tied it above where he would be making his cut. When it was secured Dad took the other end of the rope to help guide the tree down towards another tree, and not into the power lines, cable line, fence, or house. Then Josh went back up the ladder and began to make his cuts. He cut the wedge out, and cleaned it out a little with the hatchet. At this point even though I was confident it would work I was also getting a little nervous. Sage was outside with me, but Skyler was inside watching a movie. I went in and told him I needed him outside just in case. I had both boys standing next to our shed and where I hoped would be the last direction the tree would fall, or an easy place for me to grab them and run somewhere safe. Josh started to cut the back towards the wedge. Dad began pulling on the rope to make sure the tree came the right way. Josh had to stop a few times to check how close he was getting. He asked Dad if the tree would move because he couldn't see much that was holding it on. Dad pulled but the tree didn't move. So Josh finished cutting. The tree began to move. At this point I forget a little if Josh was still up the ladder or not. All I know is Josh asked if the tree was moving, I said yes. But the problem was it was moving towards the house. Dad began to pull on the rope harder and Josh ran over to help. I made sure the boys were safe and ran over to help. Now before the cutting began I had a silent prayer in my heart that all would go well. At this point I'm praying we can get this down with no one getting hurt and the tree not crushing my house. We start trying to think of what to do. But there are three of us putting all our weight on this rope and the tree is not moving at all. This was bad, yet very good. At least we had stopped it from keeping it's momentum heading the wrong way. Josh let go of the rope and is trying to think of how we can fix this. I suggest to Dad we use the tree next to us as leverage with the rope to pull the tree, but that wasn't going to work. That's when Dad had his awesome idea. He asked if I could get the jeep in the yard. I said yes and he handed me his keys to get a chain out of his truck. I told the boys to stay where they were and I ran for the chain and Jeep and drove around to the backyard. Josh hooked the chain to the Jeep and Dad tied the rope to the other end of the chain. I ran over to the boys to keep them safe and watch the tree. Dad came to stand by me and Josh started to give the Jeep a little gas. We could hear cracking. Josh was looking out the Jeep window and we're watching by the shed. Neither of them were sure if the tree was moving or not. But I had definitely seen movement in the right direction. I ran to tell Josh so he gave the Jeep a little more gas. After just a little more cracking and hard work from the huge Jeep and the tree came down right where where we had wanted it all along!!! The only damage was a snapped cable line. But since we don't have cable we don't care one bit. It's just one less wire going through our backyard. We were all so relieved it worked. We stood around looking at the tree now laying in my backyard and were amazed at how much bigger it looked now then it had standing. We got guessing how tall it was, so Dad got a tape measure and measured it. It was over 30 feet. And we still have 12 feet of trunk left in the ground. All I can say is logic tells me my Dad (even though he is a strong man) could not have stopped 30+ feet of heavy pine from falling on my house. Maybe there is a scientific equation that could explain it. But I know we were blessed that the tree did not fall on our house and that my Dad was able to stop it from going towards my house-because it was actually heading that way-and that my Dad had a good chain and a good plan that helped us save my house from that tree. I'm so grateful he came to help us. I think about if it had been me holding the rope if things might have ended differently. But they didn't. We are blessed. And happy to have the tree down. And I will have to remind myself of that when it takes us a week t0 clean up this mess!

Happy 1st Birthday Sage!!!!!

1 year ago my gall bladder sent me to the hospital. While there Sage decided he was ready to come out to play. He just couldn't wait and insisted the Dr on call, anesthesiologist, and all the nurses needed interupt their sleep and come to help him join this world. It was quite the surprise to have him, but we were also so excited (and exhausted). He weighed in at a whopping 4lbs. And he's still our tiny guy now. But he sure doesn't let his size hold him back! He is such an adventerous little boy and we love him so much!!! Happy Birthday my Wiggly Boy!